Choosing Joy Isn't Always Easy!

                I came across this quote the other day and decided it fits where I am right now.  

"YOU don’t choose your life; it chooses you. There’s no point asking why life has reserved certain joys or griefs, you just accept them and carry on." – Paulo Coelho

                Let’s just be real here.  Choosing joy is hard work.  It can be both mentally and physically exhausting.  Making the decision to not let life’s circumstances weigh you down and keep you from moving forward is tiring; and I don’t always succeed at it either. 

                Being a mom is tough.  Being a wife is tough.  And living with someone with brain cancer is really rough.  There is no other way to describe it.  You have your good days and your bad and some days have elements of both.  I spend my days living by a calendar of appointments, supplements, medications, and meal planning.  In a way, this has been good for me, as I’ve always loved structure and schedules.  I love knowing there is a plan in place that helps me determine what to expect next.  

                But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t get hard when things don’t go as planned.  When seizures sneak in, and you have to remind someone how to eat, drink, and swallow; it can be hard to choose joy.  For the first decade of our marriage, Benjamin was the person I received my strength and encouragement from.  Having our roles reversed has been humbling and saddening to say the least.  When the person who has provided you with strength for so long needs your help to get dressed, and walk, and stand back up when they fall down, it can be hard to smile and keep on choosing joy. Sometimes, it takes every waking breath in you to keep smiling and pushing on. 

At the same time, I believe that God laid that on my heart for my theme for this year, not just because last year was a hard year, but because He knew that this year had the potential to be so much harder.  He took me at what I thought was my worst and showed me how to turn my situations around and choose joy.  Little did I know when I started this journey that it was going to get so much harder, and that choosing joy was going to be a struggle most days.  Yet in true God fashion, he knew what I was going to need and prepared me for it before I even knew I needed it.  God knew I was going to need joy to be a habit before the intensity of these storms hit and He knew I was going to need others to help hold me accountable for it. 

Do you remember that old adage about turning lemons into lemonade?  That’s something that I am learning to do on a daily basis… When things go wrong, as they often do, I take a look at the situation and I smile and try to turn it into something good…

Here are some examples for you:

*I had my kids all set up to play in the driveway with sidewalk chalk while I mowed the other day, but the lawnmower wouldn’t start.  I grabbed some chalk and bubbles and jumped right into playing.  They wouldn’t remember that I let them play in the driveway while I mowed, but they will never forget that I played with them! 

*Another seizure?  This is a hard one, but I smile and remind the kids, it’s been 10 days since the last one and that is a new record for the past two months!  We pray it through, take silly face pictures while daddy recovers and remember to smile and talk about God’s blessings!

Take that seizures!

                 *The Tahoe needed repair again this week, but praise God the big kids can be in booster seats so we all can fit in the truck until we get it done... being able to leave the house makes everyone around here choose joy ;-).

                *I can’t drag 5 people to the store every time I run out of something so I have started planning better, and using up things in the pantry that might never get used!  Every time I look at my grocery budget it makes me smile these days, as I’m not buying all the little extras (And seriously, KROGERCLICKLIST literally helps me choose joy every week)

                *The hardest challenge is every time we get a negative report from a doctor. I am trying to see the light in this as well, as God is using every day of this journey to bring us closer to him and to grow each of us as individuals.  Then I hear of others in the same situation who aren’t even faring as well as Ben has through this whole ordeal, and my heart hurts for them and I remember to be thankful for every little moment.

It doesn’t always work, and some days I need lots of reminders (because life is HARD, ya'll!).  I lose my mind on my kids, and I can’t even process all that is going on around me some days.  I'm trying to remember to turn on my favorite playlist so the kids and I can dance and sing together.  Who can choose to be sad when you are dancing and singing worship music with preschoolers (it’s impossible, seriously). Plus, they know most of the words and who can be sad when a bunch of 3 & 5 year olds are mixing up words on your favorite songs, right?

                If you are one of those “lucky” few who gets to see me at my worst (i.e. when I just can’t choose joy anymore), thank you for your encouragement, support and understanding. The few minute escapes to grab dinner, go for a run, and when you take the time to listen, have made all the difference to me.  I don’t have it all together yet.  God is still working on me, and I’m praying that one day I will be something worthy of all of your sweet words!  

                “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trails of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.  Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” James 1:2-4

I am learning so many lessons from my children...

Often these days as I lay in bed listening for abnormal sounds from Benjamin, I am flooded with thoughts about our children.  There are times when I am sad for the reality and harshness of life that they understand on a daily basis.  They talk of seizures and tumors and cancer as though they are commonplace and they have been trained on what to do in an emergency (in the rare chance they are alone with Ben when he has a seizure).  These days they can frequently be heard having "seizures" as they are playing and describing them to other people who have not yet seen one in action.

Up until two summers ago I had tried to shelter them from the reality of life with cancer and seizures.  Ben had only ever had seizures at night while in bed, so there was no reason for them to worry.  Then while out on a walk with their dad at West Point one evening, Ben had a seizure and fell into the road.  He and the twins were only about a quarter of a mile from home, but the strangers who stopped to help were very clear in the fact that my three years old understood more than I knew.  They explained daddy had seizures and remained calm sitting on the side of the road with people they didn’t know while an ambulance came and loaded up daddy. 

It must have felt like forever before I arrived to pick them up (and sadly I didn’t even get the names of the strangers who helped him in order to thank them properly later), but together the four of us drove to the hospital to meet the ambulance and check on daddy.  After that night I began explaining to them more about seizures and what to do, but I also limited how often and how long I left them alone with daddy. 

Fast forward to today, and all three of my children pray daily for daddy.  They pray for his healing, that he wouldn't have any more seizures, and that God would cause all the tumors in his head to disappear (like a flash).  Last month, in the midst of two almost back to back partial seizures, I realized how much stronger they are then I am; and how much I can learn from them.  In the midst of seizures, my children are calm, resilient, trusting in the Lord, and have extreme faith.  They lay hands on him and pray for the seizures to stop.  They don't get stressed, instead calmly pray knowing God is in control.  

They are learning so many things that at five and three years old they shouldn't have to learn, but at the same time they are teaching me so many things.   I thank God daily that he uses them to teach me faith and hope and love (and patience, so much patience--after all, they are still normal 3 & 5 year olds😉).  I wish I could shelter them from all the harsh realities of cancer and the pain that it has brought, but I also thank God that we have them to brighten our every day and to keep us from remembering all that is wrong in our world right now.  

In November, they were ever so patient when we traveled to Texas and shared a hotel room for three weeks.  When we left for Mexico in March, they wanted to know where we would be and what we would be doing.  Whenever we would Skype they wanted to see and hear about what medicine and treatments daddy was doing.  They wanted to know exactly how that was going to help him get better.  We missed them every minute of the three weeks we were apart.  Much of our days now are spent leaving them with sitters while we go from doctor to doctor or watching Netflix from the floor of daddy's doctor's appointments.  They hang on to every word and will ask me about things when we leave there.  They remind daddy of what he can and can't eat; and they tell him when his cancer is gone he can have sugar again ;-). 

They are also quick to forgive and eager to love... They know he doesn't remember everything he tells them, and that he often forgets what he is doing.  When he doesn't remember something they tell him the bugs in his head must have made him forget.  When he forgets the words he is trying to say, they hug him and tell him it's okay.  He isn't always nice and he frequently yells, but they love him anyways. 

So often I find myself unable to trust that things will turn out well, and unable to remain calm in difficult situations.  If only my faith were as strong as that of a child, who has no reason to doubt in the ability of the Lord to change the situation for the better.  So often I find my feelings hurt by others and unable to forgive, let it go, and move on.  My children wake up every day and have forgotten the hurt feelings of the past and are able to love, and enjoy every day to the fullest! My prayer is that I would be able to see the world we live in through their eyes so that I will have faith and strength to handle all that comes our way.

I still worry that we don't have enough time to spend with them and that they will not know how incredibly important and special they are to us, but I pray that even when we are not with them, that God's hand would be upon them and wherever they are!  Most of all, I thank God daily for the joy that they have brought to our lives.  They are one of the biggest reasons that I am able to try to choose joy every day!